The Blog Post I've Been Avoiding for Over a Week.

My mom called me last Tuesday.  I love my mom dearly, but we rarely talk on the phone, so usually when she calls it's not good news.  (Sorry mom.)  So when I saw Mom on my caller ID as I was waiting with Brian for our food at Subway, my heart sank.

Dad has cancer.

I knew that he hadn't been doing well, that he's been losing quite a bit of weight and is having a lot of difficulty eating.  He'd been popping Prilosec like it's candy and it wasn't doing any good.  He'd been pretty much living off of milkshakes, Ensure, and soup.  But it's still extremely painful for him to eat, so he went to the doctor.

Mom had gone up to WA to visit him, and he gave her the news the day after she got there.  He has esophogeal cancer, and at the time the doctor was thinking it was stage II or III.  Dad was set to have a PET scan later on in the week to find out for sure. In the meantime, appointments galore to get things moving.

Because he's lost so much weight and can't eat, he's having a J-tube put in today, as well as a port for chemo.  He'll be in the hospital for 2 or 3 days.  Soon he'll be starting six weeks of chemo and radiation.  They got the results for the PET scan back this morning as well, and the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes in the local area of the tumor.  There's also a mass in his abdomen that COULD be scar tissue, but will be biopsied today while they're putting in his tube.

Initally the plan was get the tube in and gain some weight, do the chemo and radiation, and decide after that if there will be surgery to remove the tumor from his esophagus.  Now, if the mass in his abdomen comes back as cancerous, there will be no surgery.

I don't have a lot of other factual information right now.  I'd been waiting to call my mom to find out more until after they got the PET scan results back.  I had texted her this morning to find out what time his appoiment was and learned he was getting his tube & port today.  I'll talk with her later on today, after Dad comes out of surgery.



So...emotionally, I'm not dealing with this so well.  I do research about esophogeal cancer, tube feeding, getting on Medicare early...but I don't allow myself to connect it to my dad.  And then I have those "Oh shit" moments.  Stupid stuff like, "OMG, he's going to lose all of his hair from chemo.  Dad has such awesome hair!"  I had told my friend April about my dad, and she shared with me what her MIL had to go through when she had cancer.  April was with her for all six weeks of treatment.  I think hearing April spell it all out was when it all became real to me.  This isn't just happening to somebody I know, this is happening to my dad.  And even though we're not close, he's still my dad.  He's the guy that came and rubbed my back and gave me cough syrup when I was up hacking all night.  He's the guy that brought me pickles as BIG AS MY ARM when he worked at Nalley's.  He's the guy that sent me a congratulations card when I was pregnant with Bethany, when I felt like everybody else had abandoned me.  He's the guy that reached back and held my hand when I broke down on the way to the airport to pick up Brian after my brother died.

Fuck.  I hate you cancer. 





This is my dad, and how I'll always see him in my head & heart. 

I love you dad.  You old goat. 

THIS

Years ago I was ranting to one of Brian's friends about how finance was taking so long to get our dislocation allowance to us after Brian filed the paperwork.  We had just moved to Okinawa and the transistion was expensive.  I was frustrated, irritated, and dammit I wanted our munnies!!!  How dare those finance people drag their feet and not do their jobs the way that I think it should be done!!

Apparently I must have been more bitchy and obnoxious than usual, because Brian's friend just looked at me and verbally smacked me with the biggest truth we all need to get through our heads.  "It's not about you.  Get over yourself."

At the time I was vaguely offended.  OF COURSE IT'S ABOUT ME.  I need to pay these bills.  I need to get these utilites hooked up.  I need to get groceries.  I...I...I...  But then I realized he was right.  We were one family in the Air Force.  The Air Force alone has over 330 THOUSAND service members.  The paperwork for our DLA started when Brian filed it in Okinawa, but it had a full process to go through before we got the DLA, and that process went all the way to Denver. A lot of people were involved in that process.  And those people weren't just processing OUR DLA, they were handling the finances of the entire Air Force.  We are one tiny drop in a big huge bucket.

Over the years since this conversation I've learned just how much the "get over yourself" needs to apply to so many other aspects of my life.  If Brian comes home in a mood after not responding to any of my texts that day it doesn't have to mean that he's mad at me.  He was probably in meetings all day and just needs to shut down for a while.  If my teenager is hiding in her bedroom blasting her music, it's not because OHEMGEEYOU'RETHEWORSTMOMEVERIHATEYOU (OK, she's 15, that might be part of it), but because she's 15 and is just dancin' with herse-elf. 

One of the biggest "get over yourself"'s is the way we expect people to take in and react to what we say or do.  We are the ones in control of what comes out of our mouth.  We are the ones that have to choose our words/tone/actions carefully. Yet when somebody is hurt by what is said or done, we get offended because they didn't have the clarity to understand what we were REALLY getting at.  We don't think about the fact that there may be something going on in the other person's life that will color their interpretation of what we just said.  Context has impact, and not everybody has the same context. 

I think Carly Simon summed it up best.  "You're so vain, I bet you think this song (post!) is about you..."  We're all a bit narssicistic, it's inherent in human nature.  We need to remember that there is so much more than what's going on in our tiny lives.  And just STFU and get over it.

BTW, if you think this post was about you, it probably wasn't.  But maybe it was....

PURPOSE

Yup, that right there is what I've been feeling like lately. 

For the life of me, I COULD NOT settle down and focus on anything yesterday.  I went outside to read on my Nook seven times.  Couldn't focus.  Came inside to fart around on the interwebs.  Couldn't focus. Tried to watch some TV.  Couldn't focus.  Tried to clean up the kitchen, something that REQUIRES NO FOCUS, aaaaaaand...couldn't focus. 

All day long I shifted from one pointless activity to another and it was making me guano loco.  I finally realized what was so off for me.  I was lacking purpose.  I needed a reason for my day, and yesterday I just didn't have one.  I didn't have any laundry to do, didn't need to go get groceries, didn't have much cleaning that needed to be done, no errands to run.  There was nothing to do and I couldn't just sit back and enjoy it.  I needed a goal, a reason for my day, and I couldn't find one.  It was bugging me so much that I nearly popped a Xanax.  (But hey, that would have made me tired, I would have had to lay down, and DAMMIT I DON'T TAKE NAPS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY.  So power on through anxiety! *fistpump*)

 I can't tell you how happy I was when Matt got home and asked me if I got his posterboard for his book report.  "Crap, no, I forgot!  BUTI'LLGOGETITRIGHTNOW!!!"  Suddenly, I had something to DO.  Granted, it didn't take long, but I had a "shit to get done."  Just the one, but it felt good to have that goal. 

I've always known that I'm a goal driven person, but I didn't realize just how much until yesterday.  If I don't have a goal, a purpose, a reason set out before me, I feel utterly lost.  So much so that it brings on debilitating anxiety.  All of the goals for my life are currently set so far ahead of me that I have nothing to focus on right now.  Instead I drift from one little task to another and feel like I'm not accomplishing anything and I go a little bit crazier.  Since we're stuck in that limbo of moving, it's just making the lack of purpose even more glaring to me. 

So, time to make some goals.  Have a reason for being.  DO SUMTHIN. 

This blog post was first on my list.  Crap.  Almost done.  Gotta figure out something more! 

Ummmmm....clean out the van. 
Maybe I'll take some Big Truck Tacos to Brian for lunch.
Maybe I'll take myself on a me date and go see a movie.

 And force myself to accept the fact that sometimes it's OK to just do nothing.  Ouch.