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Thursday, September 10, 2009

Choice

I made the conscious decision to eat ice cream.  Real ice cream, full fat, full sugar, my best buddies Ben and Jerry.  I'm on the edge of losing my shit and I chose to self medicate with the number one thing that made me fat to begin with. 

Of course, it didn't make me feel better.  It didn't numb me like it used to.  Instead, I want to cry even more because I'm so aware of the choice that I made.  It's not like it was even an "OOPS, I started out with a full pint, it's all gone now!" 

Granted, I didn't eat the entire pint this time.  I don't think I even had a full serving, maybe a quarter cup, at most.  It's the fact that I chose to risk dumping.  I turned to my entrapment to deal with my emotions and still wasn't able to deal with them because I sat there pissed off at myself for having the spoon in one hand and the pint in the other.  I was pissed because there wasn't an immediate solution to what I was stressing about, and the kids were running around being sneaky and I lost my shit.  Brian, my best friend and the person I love most in the world, left this morning for two weeks so I couldn't even go to him for support.  I'm spoiled by having him around all the time (fuck...I hate crying...) and even though he can't make it better, he at least makes me FEEL better. 

I HAVE to find a different release.  I HAVE to get back to exercising, that was helping immensely.  But I have to find something for when going to the gym isn't feasible.  (Killing a bottle of wine by myself probably isn't such a great choice either.)

Fuck, I hate this.  I hate that I chose to eat it.  I hate that I've been choosing to eat crap for the last few weeks and haven't been working on my protein like I should.  I'm so angry at myself, and I end up taking it out on everybody else because I turn into a raging bitch, and then I get even more angry at myself. 

So now I'm wallowing...and I've got bubble gut.  So far no actual dumping symptoms, but I think I'm going to get a big glass of water and try to get the poison to wash through my system faster, maybe turn on some CD's and light some candles in the bathroom.

I want Brian home.  :(  Ben & Jerry don't remotely compare to him...

5 comments:

Angie said...

I eat REAL ice cream all the time. I live a couple miles away from the B&J factory, it's my duty as a VT-er. Big hugs though hon. Love ya.

Angie said...

OY sweetie - when I commented before I totally was just skimming - of course you as a GB-er have different concerns, and I didn't even think -sorry if my last comment came off wrong!

Meg said...

LOL, it's ok Ang! I know what you meant, and it's different for bandsters. I ended up talking to another GB-er about it, and vented to my mom and finally my husband when he called, so that helped. They all pointed out that even as I was doing it I recognized what I was doing, and set a limit for myself even then. What I did still isn't HEALTHY, but we all have our stumbles. This was just my first big "emotional event" since I had surgery, and I was really disappointed in myself.

melsreturn said...

"Put the ice cream down and no one (namely you) gets hurt!" We all do stupid stuff sometime or other! Whether we're 1 week postop, 10 years postop... we all make a bad choice here and there... but you have to let it go, and vow to make today a better day. Hugs sis!

Tiffani said...

At least you've recognized what you did and will know better next time! :) It's ok!!!