Visibility

Or moreover, the fact that I'm no longer invisible.  I didn't realize just HOW invisible I was when I was obese, because I'm a friendly & chatty person.  Maybe that was my way of forcing people to see me, I don't know.  Now, though, I'm suddenly visible.  And by visible I mean that when I run into somebody that I haven't seen in a long time, they're shocked.  They tell me, "OH-EM-GEEEEE!  You look so good now!"

Now?

Now?

Really?  So when you told me before that I was pretty in spite of my weight, what was that? 

My husband is even guilty of it.  I know he's trying so hard and he's wonderfully supportive.  Sometimes, though, it gets in my still-fat-in-my-head side of my brain that he's incredibly complimentary of the new me, if he really found me beautiful and sexy before - why didn't he say so then?

Here's the thing.  I'M STILL THE SAME PERSON.  The changes that everybody else is seeing are all exterior.  I'm still the same person that you walked past and didn't notice, this time last year.  I'm the same smartass.  I think part of my problem is that all of the people that are "OMG-ing" at me never knew me when I was thin before.  They always knew RoundMeagan.  So when I was shocked each time I looked into a mirror and saw RoundMeagan because that was not the preconceived notion I had of myself - that's the only version of me that they had in their heads.


I have the same issue with strangers, though.  Last week I was at Lowe's and was pulling a sheet of plywood off a high stack.  There were no employees around to help so I decided to just do it myself.  (hehe, something I wouldn't have done before.  Yay me.)  I got the sheet most of the way down, but those things are heavy and awkward.  Two gentlemen came running to help me get the sheet on my pushcart just in time.  People being what they are, though, would they have been the kind that would walk past and glance at the RoundWoman struggling and do nothing to help out?  Most would have. 


Ergh.  I've been struggling with my renewed visibility lately, as you can tell.  I need to just shut up and enjoy it.  LOL 

In other news - I'm taking advantage of my new visibility and am selling Scentsy now.  I have to work, HAVE to, and this will let me be home with the kids, too.  You like yummy candles?  Do you feel like you're rolling up a twenty and lighting it when you burn a patriotically-named candle?  Do you like the idea of safe, food grade wax that won't burn little fingers if they decide to dip in it?  Then you need Scentsy!  (See, I'm good at this. LOL)  I'm closing my first show today, just a little mini-launch.  I'll be going with my director to a home & garden show on the 17th and will be getting the leads from that, and my neighbor is actually going to sign under me, and we're going to team up and take the neighborhood on a Scentsy ride.  ;)  Want to check out the website?  Clicky!!!  www.scentsationalmeg.scentsy.us .  I'll put a link over there >>>>, too.

So how's everybody else doing?

Laptop Lunches

My kids are responsible for packing their own lunches. Lately they've decided this means slap a piece of lunchmeat on a piece of white bread (bad mom for buying it!), folding it in half, and calling it a sandwich. Stick in a piece of fruit that likely gets thrown away and they call it lunch. Um...notsomuch. Other times they "pack" a lunch and "forget" it and get a school lunch. The school lunches are loaded with fat and crappy simple carbs, and are completely processed foods. Again, notsomuch.

I've always tried to teach the kids good eating habits, but lunch is one that's hard to do the older they get. I can make sure they have a healthy breakfast before school, I can serve a good healthy dinner, but lunch is out the door. Since I've had gastric bypass and they're hitting the "bottomless-pit_ growth spurts, healthy eating for the whole family is even more important.

I also watched the pre-view of Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution the other night. He started a re-vamp of the lunch programs in Britain and has now started in the "fattest city in the US." Seeing the resistance that he's getting from the school system and the horrible requirements from the USDA has even further steeled my resolve that it's up to ME to make sure the kids are eating healthy.

Soooo...I had been playing with the idea of "Laptop Lunches" for a long time, but couldn't bring myself to order the lunchboxes because they're kind of pricey. I finally sucked it up and ordered some yesterday and they're being delivered today. YAY!

There are tons of different websites that are dedicated to kid lunch ideas. Some of them are just obsessed. Please God, don't let me get that bad! They're great for ideas though, and once your head is in that groove it's easier to come up with your own ideas. One of my favorites, though, is EggFace. Shelly is another gastric bypass patient and she takes bento/laptop lunches with her all the time. They're high protein and healthy, so great for weight loss AND kids. If I have EF next to an idea, it's from her website and she's got a recipe listed. (Here's her site http://theworldaccordingtoeggface.blogspot.com/)

So here's my list so far. I'm so excited to get the kids more involved in healthy lunches again!

Leftovers from dinners. Duh.
Zucchini Egg Bake squares
Whole wheat veggie pizza strips
Spinach & zucchini turkey meatloaf balls
Ham & cheese quiche squares
Mini turkey burgers
Gyoza
drained ramen w/shrimp
Hard Boiled Eggs (Bug's new obsession)
Tuna salad rolls
Hummus & veggies or pita chips
Tomato & mozzarella stick skewers
Fruit w/ sweetened ricotta
baked greek shrimp w cucumber salad & yogurt dipping sauce (EF)
Mini egg bites (EF)
Shrimp (coconut, southwest, whatever other flavor we can come up with)
Quesadilla wedges w/salsa
Pepperoni & cheese picks
pudding & graham crackers
taco salad
PB & fruit tortilla sushi
Roasted Veggies (EF)
Lemony Chickpea & Tuna salad (EF)
Naked chicken nuggets
Meatballs (italian, greek, sweet & sour...)
Fajitas
Carnitas



That's what I've got so far. I'll add as I think of more, or as the kids do. Tonight when we're getting lunches ready I'll slice the leftover Ricotta chicken from last night into little wheels. Yum.

Balance

Ever notice that the more you try to pile on and control every bit of life, the more precarious it becomes?  Eventually, the more you try to control, the harder you crash. 

I had come to the point that it felt like WLS was controlling every.single.aspect of my life.  Every part of my day revolved around it.  I had to make sure I was getting in all my vitamins, all my protein, all my water, and exercising.  I speak at my surgeon's seminar as a "been there, done that" patient almost every month, and I'm a support group leader.  Being a bariatric surgery patient was defining who I am.

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't a bad definition.  I'm just a control freak and I want to be the one who defines who I am, not the circumstances of my life.  I took a break from exercising for about 6 weeks...again.  The break was mostly due to craptastic weather, kids being sick, and me being sick, but I definitely used all of the above as excuses.  I didn't focus as much on how much protein I was getting in, and REALLY dropped the ball on my water.  I'm lucky I haven't ended up in the hospital from dehydration. 

And even though I fought it, WLS still had control in my life.  Lack of exercise and ignoring my protein needs left me worn out and achy, and completely without muscle tone to the point that I flat out felt weak sometimes.  My skin had broken out because of the lack of protein and water.  Instead of getting nutrient rich food and making every bite count I was eating crap.  I pushed my limits on fat & sugar.  Milano cookies?  Bring 'em on!  I can handle 12 grams of sugar, and two cookies ONLY have 10 grams!  Yeah, a McPukes cheeseburger has 12 grams of fat and 300 calories, but it ALSO ha 15 grams of protein.  I was rationalizing everything.

The worst part, though (confession time) is that I've been drinking.  A lot.  Transfer addiction much?  I started drinking around Christmas time, and I've had at least a glass of wine almost every night.  A few times I've had as much as an entire bottle, by myself.  There were days that I wanted a glass of wine fairly early in the day, and though I wouldn't let myself it still scared the crap out of me.  I kept on drinking in the evenings, anyway.  I also learned that alcohol prevents dumping for me, so I was able to take in MORE crap.  Hello empty calories!  Hello extra fat & sugar that should be knocking me on my butt!  Brian asked me to not drink for a full week, and I managed.  As soon as that week was up though, I had me a new bottle of wine!  I even rationalized the drinking, and told Brian that it was just something I needed to get through.  Yeah, a load of crap, and partially true, but essentially more rationalizing. 

I've been slowing down on the drinking.  My dad is an alcoholic and that's been in my head a LOT.  When I wanted a glass of wine earlier and earlier, I knew I was toeing a line.  I didn't drink much last week.  Brian and I did go to a winery on Saturday, and we picked up a bottle of Reisling.  (I'm not a fan of white wine anymore, all about the reds.)  We split the bottle on Saturday night, I had the last glass of it on Sunday night.  Monday, I picked up two more bottles of red, and just about polished one off by myself that night. 

That was stupid.

It hit me a lot harder than it usually does.  I had to hold on to the headboard when I went to bed to keep the room from spinning, and it really didn't do much good.  I was hung over most of the day yesterday.  Even the one other time I got flat out DRUNK, at our Christmas party, I managed to not have a hangover the next day.  Me no likey hangovers!

So I'm done with the drinking every night.  If the kids are making me insane I have to find something else to help me unwind.  If I need to relax, there are other ways.  To start off, I'm going to refill my Xanax scrip as soon as I'm done with this. ;)  I'm back to working out, and oooooooooooooohhhh it feels so much better!  I have a bottle of shiraz on the counter, and yes, I'll let myself have it...eventually.  One glass, and I'll be having a "why are we having a glass of wine" conversation before I allow myself to pour it.  "Because I'm the mommy and I said so" is no longer a reason to have a glass of wine. 

I'm finding that balance that we all need, slowly but surely.  I've finally figured out that in order to have balance we sometimes need to find a different foundation.  And it's OK.  A new foundation gives us a new spot to look out at the world from, and after all....isn't that the whole reason we go through WLS anyway?

I'm so sorry I've been gone, and especially for so long.  I've been trying to re-establish that necessary balance in my life, and as happens so often, I ended up over correcting in the wrong direction.  But I'm back now! 

The Monkey Off My Back

This is Bethany, my 12 year old.  She weighs 98 pounds (don't tell her I told you that).  She's holding a 10 pound bag of flour.  And that's just the weight that I lost since surgery. I may have lost up to 100 from my highest weight even before surgery.

Putting a physical picture of the weight just brings back home HOW much I was carrying around.  No wonder I was exhausted all the time...

GOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL!!!!

150 POUNDS BABY!!!  108 POUNDS LOST.  235 days.  7 months 21 days.  Hours and hour and HOURS of exercise.  What felt like gallons of sweat.  Daily struggles to get in enough protein and water.  Pushing the limits of what my new stomach can handle and regretting it every time.  Learning how to read labels, knowing the protein content of any given food and if it's "worth" eating. 

This has been the hardest thing I've ever done, and it's been worth every step.  Pics coming tonight!  :)

Oh Zumba, how I missed you.

Because of all the craziness of the holiday season I missed a good six weeks of Zumba.  I take that back.  Not just Zumba, but any exercise at all.  Not good.  I finally got back to it on Tuesday and it felt so great!  Well, it felt great that day, anyway.  I was HURTIN' the next day, was even worse yesterday, and am finally back to the same hurt I was at on the day after.  It probably doesn't help that I did 2.5 miles on the elliptical after Zumba, and then decided to try running on the treadmill after that.

Even though I'm still hurting today, I HAVE to get back in the gym, at least for some elliptical time and to get on the treadmill.  That's the thing about exercise that we always forget about.  The more often you do it the more conditioned to it your muscles become, and the less pain you'll be in.  Yes, getting used to it sucks, but having to get used to it all over again sucks even more, because your muscles just scream at you, "If you had kept up with it like you should have you wouldn't be having this problem right now, dumbass!"  And then you have to concede to your muscles that they're right, and that's never fun. 

We also have to take the time to find a form of exercise that's fun and rewarding for us.  If we're not enjoying it, we're just not going to keep up with it.  It's proven in the little things through our lives over and over (and over) again.  I'm sure everybody in the world (or at least in MY world) knows how much I love Zumba.  But I wouldn't enjoy it half as much if it weren't for my instructor.  There are instructors who shall remain unnamed who's class I'll never go to again, because I just don't enjoy myself.  Joan is an incredible instructor, though.  She cues for us (which is unusual in Zumba), is so incredibly animated, and you can tell that SHE'S having fun teaching.  Even on the days when I go and start the class with the feeling "I don't wanna beeeeee heeeere" I always end up glad I went, and leave with a grin on my face because I've had such a great time.  And more often than not, because I'm still feeling so great, I go on and jump on the elliptical or lift weights.  All because I had fun.  (Thanks again, Joanie, love you chickie!)

So I mentioned earlier that I got on the treadmill.  I HATE to run.  When I was in high school I hated to sweat and I just didn't know HOW to run, so I'd end up in pain from trying or I'd just be lazy and walk.  I'm working on changing my mindset on running, though.  I want to do the OKC Memorial 5K in April, and enjoy doing it.  I don't care about my time, I just want to DO it.  Getting started when you've never been a runner, though...HOOOLLLEEEY CRAPOLY!  I figured it wouldn't be so bad to start running since I've been doing so great on the elliptical.  Yeah, notsomuch.  Totally different set of muscles used when you run.  Did you know you actually use your ass when you run?  Neither did I, until my asscheeks were sore after running!  Maybe I have hope for losing the elephant knees hanging off my backside after all? 

So now I'm going to go finish my second giant cup of coffee and drink a liter of water, and head to the gym for some elliptical and treadmill time. 

BTW, if you're local, tomorrow night is a Zumbathon at Crossroads Mall, in the old Steve & Barry's upper level.  Admission is $10 and all proceeds are going to help the Shining Starz special needs cheer team go to Nationals.  I can't wait, it's going to be so much fun!  (And the Starz are going to give us a special performance!)  Please come if you're local, and if you're not but want to donate, let me know and I can get the donation info for you. 

Diet vs. Diet

The Today Show on NBC is always featuring people that lose weight, which is great.  But they always say that the people did it the "Old Fashioned Way" with diet and exercise.  Yeah, because Jenny Craig and Weight Watchers are from way back in the olden days.  They used to hang with all the personal trainers that are so old fashioned. 

Here's what gets me.  The word DIET.  Technically there are two definitions for diet.  The first is simply the nutrition that we take in to maintain energy.  The second is what most people think of when they hear the word.  A reduction in caloric intake. 


Hm.....WLS patients still have to eat and get energy SOMEhow, so yeah, diet applies there.  And WLS is essentially a permanent reduction in caloric intake.  For bypass patients it's even twofold, since we reduce calories by restriction and by malabsorption.  It's a lifetime diet, if you want to think in "old fashioned" terms. 

So the Today Show can kiss my wrinkly elephant-knee butt.  We WLSers are losing "the old fashioned way" too!

Finally figured out how to do a real side by side collage.

Start weight before surgery was 258, currently 154.  Brian and I went on a date last night and I was feelin' purdy, so I had him take a pic.  Them be size six jeans, baby!!!