Tuesday, September 25, 2012


Yup, that right there is what I've been feeling like lately. 

For the life of me, I COULD NOT settle down and focus on anything yesterday.  I went outside to read on my Nook seven times.  Couldn't focus.  Came inside to fart around on the interwebs.  Couldn't focus. Tried to watch some TV.  Couldn't focus.  Tried to clean up the kitchen, something that REQUIRES NO FOCUS, aaaaaaand...couldn't focus. 

All day long I shifted from one pointless activity to another and it was making me guano loco.  I finally realized what was so off for me.  I was lacking purpose.  I needed a reason for my day, and yesterday I just didn't have one.  I didn't have any laundry to do, didn't need to go get groceries, didn't have much cleaning that needed to be done, no errands to run.  There was nothing to do and I couldn't just sit back and enjoy it.  I needed a goal, a reason for my day, and I couldn't find one.  It was bugging me so much that I nearly popped a Xanax.  (But hey, that would have made me tired, I would have had to lay down, and DAMMIT I DON'T TAKE NAPS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY.  So power on through anxiety! *fistpump*)

 I can't tell you how happy I was when Matt got home and asked me if I got his posterboard for his book report.  "Crap, no, I forgot!  BUTI'LLGOGETITRIGHTNOW!!!"  Suddenly, I had something to DO.  Granted, it didn't take long, but I had a "shit to get done."  Just the one, but it felt good to have that goal. 

I've always known that I'm a goal driven person, but I didn't realize just how much until yesterday.  If I don't have a goal, a purpose, a reason set out before me, I feel utterly lost.  So much so that it brings on debilitating anxiety.  All of the goals for my life are currently set so far ahead of me that I have nothing to focus on right now.  Instead I drift from one little task to another and feel like I'm not accomplishing anything and I go a little bit crazier.  Since we're stuck in that limbo of moving, it's just making the lack of purpose even more glaring to me. 

So, time to make some goals.  Have a reason for being.  DO SUMTHIN. 

This blog post was first on my list.  Crap.  Almost done.  Gotta figure out something more! 

Ummmmm....clean out the van. 
Maybe I'll take some Big Truck Tacos to Brian for lunch.
Maybe I'll take myself on a me date and go see a movie.

 And force myself to accept the fact that sometimes it's OK to just do nothing.  Ouch.