Thursday, November 19, 2009

Me & My Big Mouth

I try really hard to be a positive & kind person.  Sometimes, though, I let the snarky bitch inside get the best of me.  It's worse when I'm bummed or flat out depressed, because I don't realize that I'm letting her take control.

Apparently I've been bitchier & more selfish than I realized.  Yesterday it dawned on me that I hadn't seen a lady that I knew from way back when on FB recently.  I really enjoy her happy posts, she's just a genuinely nice person.  So I checked my friend list, and sure enough, she's not there anymore.  I haven't seen any posts from her since just after Halloween.  As far as I know she's still on FB, because she's still got an account.  I try to not let the snarky bitch show her face too much on FB, and I refrain from the potty mouth there because I have a lot of my old church friends on my FB.  So I'm not sure what I could have said to offend or hurt her so much that she'd un-friend me.  But, apparently I did, and that makes me sad.

This morning I decided I'd un-hide somebody that I had hidden for whatever reason that I can't remember anymore.  When I went to do so, I found that she wasn't on my friend list either.  And she's deleted her FB account.  WAIT!!!!  HA!!! NO, I spelled her name wrong!  Whew, I don't feel HALF as guilty whole point was this, last week I was talking to an old friend that knows this person, and I mentioned that the person is a  I left it at that, though.  So I got all worried that my friend had said something to the person, and that I had hurt her feelings. 

So there really is a tie-in for WLS/obesity with all of this.  (You thought I was just rambling, huh?) 

I've been in a funk lately.  I haven't wanted to go exercise, so I don't.  I eat things that I KNOW I shouldn't be eating.  (Helloooo?  Halloween candy?!  For an RNY patient?!)  I've been snarky and really hard on myself, feeling worthless and truly "non-marketable."  I think a lot of it is stemming from the fact that I'm a people pleaser, and by not getting hired or really even any bites for a job it feels like I'm failing at everything.  And because I can't self-medicate like I used to (delicious high fat foods & baked goods that I'd gorge on until I'd numbed whatever was bothering me) it starts the whole cycle all over again.  And again. And again. This whole FB thing just kind of topped things off, I guess.  With the first person un-friending me it reinforced the idea that I'm doing something wrong, or am not "pleasing."  With thinking that the second person had gotten off of FB because I had said something potentially mean and it had gotten back to her (see how important I am in my world?) it made me realize how...cranky? petty? mean? negative? I've been lately.

Just because we're getting thinner after WLS, it doesn't change who we are.  We may be happier with the circumstances in our life that are dictated by weight, but we may still have to work on being happy with WHO WE ARE, as well.  We ended up obese because we didn't know how to deal with being unhappy with our circumstances or who we are.  If we don't learn healthy ways to deal, and focus on the joys in life rather than what's dragging us down...what's the point?  At some point we'll just start the ugly cycle again. 

So I'm starting over, starting today.  It's time to be positive, to bring joy wherever and to whoever I can, and to realize that *gasp* it's not all about me.  It's time for me to allow myself to be pleased with who I am.


Anonymous said...

Hi Meg - I know what you mean about feeling the rejection when you are looking for a job and not finding one and taking it too personally. Also with the unfriending on FB thing. I guess that is why I am on wellbutrin ;-)

I had the lapband surgery and while it doesn't stop me from eating sweets, my issue was primarily volume and it does stop that, so I also can't make myself feel better with food.

I don't know that I have any words of wisdom, other than that not getting a job quickly (especially in this economy) is not an indication in any way of your "worth". It is all luck and happening upon the right opportunity at the right time.

Amy W. said...

Oh and I are very much the same. Once I think someone doesnt like me or that I have done something to offend them...I get kinda focused on HOW CAN I FIX IT.

But really, that is a lot of energy to give away! I mean, if you have done something wrong, then you can right it, but sometimes you may not even have a clue what that is (I am rambling). I have only ever unfriended 2 people, and it was because their political spewing contained so much hatred and ignorance that it made me angry almost everyday and who in the fuck needs that bullshit? They were casual acquantinces (however you spell it), so no big loss.

I have no words of wisdom, but can only tell you I love you and I would never unfriend you for being a snarky bitch. And I like it when you cuss like a sailor.

Also, did you know that the dictionary word of the year is unfriend? We were just talking about it in the office yesterday!

Meg said...

Unfriend was just added to the dictionary yesterday. I love it!

I'm doing better now, but it was a big wake-up call.

AAAAAAAAAAAAND I have an interview to be an office elf, tomorrow at 1:15! Woo-hoo! I'm pretty sure I'll get the job, it's literally office elf stuff, but that's OK. It still pays, and gives me a foot in the door for experience.

I love you too, Amy. You truly are my little sister-from-another-mother. One can never have too many of those!